Doubt or Self-Doubt

 In sI recently listened to an interview with author Jack Canfield who co-wrote all those books about Chicken Soup for the Soul. He has always been big on visualization and other affirmation techniques. He has also always been big on thinking big however that is a whole other blog.  In this blog we will talk about something he recognizes as being part of what holds writers back.

I was thinking this morning when I woke up what was holding me back and I realized it really wasn't self doubt. I know my limits and I know I have not reached them yet. I also know that what I do is just part of me; it isn't something external...like a bird knowing how to fly south or a fish knowing what place to go spawn, creating for me is as natural as breathing. The thought that I couldn't or shouldn't or that I am not good enough doesn't really occur to me. I don't see this as really being confident, I think it has more to do with a lifetime of dedication to ideals and beliefs that are as basic as my DNA now.

So, I had to think and consider what is holding me back? I suddenly realized it wasn't my doubts about myself, it was my doubts about others. I have had a life-time of thinking positive with very mediocre success; for the most part, since birth, it seems like I have had a more disappointments and folks who have let me down. In saying this though, I do acknowledge those who have been supportive and kind to me on my life's path. Those who have been unkind and corrupt and betrayed  me unfortunately have far outweighed those who have been kind, however the kind, I do not forgot while the ones who have left their evil mark, sadly, I do not forget either which is the problem. 

My son says I have high ideals that I find easy to follow and don't quite understand that those same ideals are not so easy for others to follow. He has always been a wise one, that one. Out of the mouths of babes!

I can recognize this. It hasn't been just about my ideals or the fact I have taken the high road on some pretty despicable things in my past that have happened to me since birth almost. Things that have led to addiction and abuse in so many others. I did my journey of healing and I have always been blessed with fore-sight. I never became addicted to physical substances (other than chocolate!) because I am an observer. I noted at a very young age all these people working so hard to quite something; drinking, smoking; drugs and frankly, I decided I was just too lazy to want to go through this process! It was more work than I wanted to do! Instead I soon realized I had another challenge before me, one far tougher. I remember a palm reader looking at me hand when I was young, then looking at me and then looking at my hand again. Such a dark look came over his face. I knew he saw lines that led to problems. He said something polite and left. He had not said anything but he had given me a warning. After it was all said and done, I knew what he had seen...something I hope he never saw in anyone else's hand. Total and complete disaster and betrayal.

It doesn't matter what it was or the healing journey I had to undertake. It is in the past and once was enough thanks to re-live it all. What I can say, is that even though I have always had a great love of humanity, at this time, I see great darkness ahead. It has settled in and I can feel it in my bones. This means my doubts are not about myself however instead, others; their honesty, their trustworthiness, their consistency and so on. 

In relation to my work, there is part of me who has lost heart; who cannot see the goodness in others I once saw. Too many disappointments and just sooo much life has happened now with me, I find it more a struggle because I doubt the integrity of others or their kindness. So many times I find myself saying, "what's the point?".

I don't think I am alone in this feeling especially in these times with corruption, data collection, technology and all the other nonsense coming down the pipes. We are in very dark times and there is no way around it. The world is changing...not just a few people. This pandemic has touched everyone and with it, it has stirred up and started the ball rolling on a good many very corrupt and negative things such as what is happening with out media; our news or freedoms we are loosing because we have to prove we have had our vaccines...and these vaccines, where do they end? It isn't like the days of old when there was integrity. The idol on the pedestal these days is the ungodly dollar.

Someone once said it isn't money itself that is the issue, it is the love of money that is. I can see this. It is what rules the world now. So many have far too much while so many others have not enough. The imbalances in the world right now are so extreme and getting worse.

In the Tarot Cards, we are heading for "the Tower". The world is on one path, and it needs to be put on another and since no one is going easily to this new path, The Tower is there to cause disruption and chaos - to shake things up so much, there is no choice but choose another path. That is where we are heading, however we are not there yet. We are in the place Black Elk talked about: the shaggy dog (mother earth) is shaking the fleas off her back! It is, I fear only the beginning.

I am not an aggressive person. I am not one to toot my own horn. I love to think, to write, to explore and to create, however like so many other writers out there, I am not an extrovert these days. When I was young, I was the life of the party. I have been told a room brightened up when I walked in. These days, I don't even want to go into the room! So like the wonderful "Avatar" movie, I have my doubts anyone will really "see me" and like Oprah says, what people really want is validation. Personally, I have my doubts this will ever come my way. I have my doubts anyone will ever really see me. 

Know what I mean? These days it seems like the "beautiful ones" are the ones being seen. What is valued above all else has moved as much to the material as everything other aspect of things through our media and all the other ways folks are having their perceptions manipulated. So doubts? Oh I have my doubts, but they are not all about me.

So how do I combat this doubt and yes, despair? I think the same way I have most of my life; by creating, by leaving the outside world out of my creative process. By accepting it is about the quality of life one has and NOT the amount in my bank account. In these crazy times, as I taught my son, true security comes from one's believe in him or herself and how resourceful they can be. If the boat is sinking, make sure you can swim and grab onto whatever is floating by.

I cannot change the values that are happening in this world today. I can not make the entire world a better place; only the little spot around me. One thing that did come out of this interview I listened to with this Jack Canfield. He mentioned how one book can change so many lives; perhaps thousands.

I am writing my books with a purpose, an intent. I am not going into that here now, however it is one of my motivators that helps me to over-come my doubts in both myself and others. Like so many times I have done things in my life that were not the easy road, I am not going to stop following my ideals, I am not going to change who I am for a buck or to pursue something I don't need. I would be quite happy in a nice camper van where I can live and be the gypsy I am; reading my tarot cards and writing. In my old age, I think this is what I may work towards. To finally own my own home, even if it is on wheels, now that would be something.

Find your reason for doing what you are doing. You don't need to share it with others. Your intent doesn't need to be open for discussion. Do what you do and let that intent, that inner calling and longing and need shine brighter than your self doubt or doubt in others. Let that be what guides you and inspires you to go on when there seems no point. A nurse once gave me a book on Carl Jung...in it she wrote, "Faith is the bird that sings when the dawn is still dark." 

I don't think it is faith or trust or any of these now "loaded" words. It is more primitive and basic than that. It is something in all of us and why we must suffer the toils of purifying our souls (unlike animals whose souls are always pure). It is the intrinsic, universal instinct to express, to share so that we can be. Perhaps it is part of those validation needs however those first cave men who painted those cave paintings all those centuries ago were hearing this call; this instinct. Now it is time that we remembered this also and leave the doubts at the cave entrance door.