I am reading a book by Pema Chodron called "Welcoming the Unwelcome". I am only on the second chapter which is about polarizing situations.
It talks about something the Tibetans call "Payu" which means discernment, heedfulness, awareness or attentiveness. I guess in a way, it could be like editing! You are looking over what you have written to make sure there are no issues that need fixing. I won't call them necessarily mistakes, because there is more than one way to write a sentence. I am going to simplify and paraphrase what she wrote earlier and put it in this way: If you write in a certain way where you always start with a conjunction (even though you shouldn't) it gets engrained and becomes a habit and then it becomes a rut. Sort of like the cartoon characters who walk back and forth, back and forth until the rut they create is so deep you can't see them anymore! Well, in writing, and the thoughts we think it can be a bit like this! As she pointed out, (and many others) we can't change the past, and the future is not yet here. All we can really deal with is the NOW. If I have a habitual way of looking at the world, you can be sure I shall react to situations through that viewer. What may not be a big deal to someone else, will be huge to me. Bullies have that effect. Their victims, who were just people, young or old going about their lives and because of the actions of another or others, those same people began to see themselves as victims. After all that is what a victim is right? A target. If you are young when you are wronged, you grow up with that mind-set engrained. I have found it can even be a crutch where it fuels you because if makes you push down the pain and be angry instead. That anger is powerful and you don't feel powerful so you fuel it thinking about the wrongs done or being done to you. This is where what Pema talks about comes in. It is not an easy thing to step out of that rut especially if it has gone deeper and deeper. I don't think in the beginning you can step out of it. I don't think in the beginning you can stop it. I think when you are wronged, no matter how big or how small it is, you are going to respond as you have so often in the past. I do think though, that is where this discernment or being attentive comes in. In the past I have learned to do this. It helps me to step back from my reactions and realize how I am responding. Sometimes I accept it and feel the response. That doesn't mean however I also act out on that feeling. I have learned that usually takes bad to worse, however I do still go through the motions and feel the feelings. I give myself that space to engage in my responses however at some point I stop, sit and really look at who is putting me in the position I am in. Is it really about the other person, or about myself? This is the challenging part. I have learned, being honest with myself is not always easy! Oh no, not so easy! It is so much easier to blame someone else, see what they did however not how I fuel and escalated what they did. Oh what they did could have been really shitty, however what I did myself; in how I responded could also have been just as shitty. So then what? I think in the beginning, edit. Notice those thoughts that are making you feel the way you do. Pema Chodron asks, "does it make a difference?" Does how I respond or react make a difference? Well, that is where the rut comes in; the response that has you going over and over things that are in the past and you cannot change. In the beginning, if I can at least hold off the response, even for a moment, that is a difference. That is moving one step in another direction. OH I may forget immediately and rush back into my comfort zone and react the same way again, however for that one moment I started a new path in a more balanced direction. I know I have formed the habits I have formed over a life-time. They are not going to be changed over night however if I take the time to edit, to really think about the sentences, or in this case, thoughts, that I make, I shall be one step closer to turning down the anger volume or turning up my patience button. All of this will build and like editing, it requires vigilance. It requires making the effort, however if I want my writing to improve or my life in general, I think it is worth the effort. I have decided, for the year 2022, no matter what ruts I have created for myself in my writing or my thinking, I am going to see if I can be more mindful and see what happens. If nothing else, it is a grand experiment and I am a curious person!
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June 2024
AuthorArtist, Buddhist, Educator, Traveller, Cabinet Maker, kayaker, etc and now writer! |