I specifically bought a more expensive lap top with loads of storage and a decent CPU so that when I bought Affinity Publisher and Affinity Photo they would work without and headaches...well
after doing the murder mystery I am working on for the fourth time, I have learned a few things- the most important is- IF IT ISN'T WORKING AND DOING WHAT YOU ASK OR GOING ASKEW, IT MAY NOT BE YOUR FAULT!

Here is what you may need if your Affinity Publishing program is giving you grief!

This worked for me and after doing a ton of things that JUST WERE NOT WORKING, I did this and it worked again.

I was one of the first who signed up for the prototype of Affinity Publisher n the beta stages and put in suggestions, and I have purchased both Affinity Publisher and Affinity Photo for both my Mac and PC. I LOVE AFFINITY Photo and I suppose, by the time I have put in equal hours as I have playing with Affinity Photo as I have Publisher, it will give me a lot less grief, however be clear THERE ARE STILL SOME BUGS so if you can get the latest version, by all means keep doing it however BE AWARE: If you want the convenience of flipping between Affinity Publisher and other platforms such as Affinity Photo then THEY MUST BE THE SAME NUMBERED UPDATE. If one updates and the other doesn't, the it will not work. Found this out the hard way!

As for that lovely expensive computer (PC) I bought, when I go to update the latest version of Affinity Publisher I am told my computer is NOT compatible and to look for another version. I expect this has more to do with Windows 10 then the PC itself and I shall look into it, however I have enough on my plate putting my murder mystery in Affinity Publisher after it had been in Adobe InDesign (glad to be rid of that monthly payment!).

I have learned a few things the hard way when it comes to the publishing aspect of doing a book or series of books.
#1. Write everything down! By this I mean EVERYTHING! If you are doing more than one book, DON'T RELY ON PRESETS...PUT IT ON PAPER SOMEWHERE! I created a form with the relevant info so I can always refer back to it.
In this I mean EVERYTHING! Assume you will remember NOTHING! So this includes: Size of your book and publishing company, type of paper used in previous proof and relevant info on colour, print ready and all those other lovely little boxes you have to remember to change or check!!!!

#2. If you have an older version of your book done as well as old PDFs GET RID OF them! Don't make the mistake of having too many confusing folders and files to deal with!

#3. Make sure you have all your images and things you intend later to embed in your book IN A FILE THAT IS EASY TO ACCESS AND FIND AND WHERE THINGS WILL NOT MOVE FROM IF EDITED. Remember, you have to keep the pathways clear as to finding things or you will be updating all the time if you change something. And once it is there, don't put it into another folder or you could loose it!

#4. Save Often when putting your chapters in. Don't wait until the end, if it crashes you could be screwed! It also means you have a safe quitting point in case you have to close everything and re-open it to get it working happily again.

#5. Fonts in your program are not always free. They may come with their own internal limitations. Some say, if it can be embedded in your PDF then it is free for commercial use, however I am not entirely sure this is correct! You can download free fonts from many sources that will suit your needs or in some cases, you may have to buy the font or the font family which is pricey. Personally, when it comes to legalities I always like to err on the side of caution.

#6. Just because it is online it is considered in the public domain and therefore free for commercial use AND some things can be free for PERSONAL use but NOT COMMERCIAL use including those photos in your book. You can buy photos from Istock and other Sources however if you google it, you will find there are many free sites where you can get images that ARE safe to use commercially. You can donate them a coffee and be done with it, or nothing at all. Up to you. Sometimes the search criteria is limited so use more than subject idea in the search bar. You will be amazed by what is out there free!

#7. If you can find yourself somewhere else to write from besides Word, you will save yourself a lot of grief. The style do not and there is often hidden crap that doesn't come up until you import it into Affinity Publisher. In other words, those glitches are not always the fault of Affinity Publisher!

#8. If you are an old school typist like me, learning to NOT put double spaces after punctuation is really hard. If you can break that habit, it is well worth it!

#9. On the other end of the modern way is to write paragraphs by putting spaces between paragraphs instead of indenting. Well, take it from me, just indent! Even when you create pre-set styles for Affinity Publisher, especially after word, you will find it doesn't always work. Just indent to begin with and save yourself future headaches!

#10. Since my computer really doesn't handle the load well when you upload all the files into Affinity Publisher, especially with text flow on, I have found it is better to edit chapters as I go and put in drop caps, etc before uploading the next chapter. The less I have to move ALL the chapters around, the happier my PC is.

#11. Lastly, TAKE LOADS OF BREAKS! Get up and go get a glass of water, go for a walk in nature or a swim, watch TV however give your mind and your eyes a rest. When you come back, you will find things look a lot better and if it doesn't then you are more likely to notice it. And remember, always leave on a positive. Even if you only made a tiny bit of headway, before you hit that glitch. then be satisfied.

In the end, creating a book is no easy feat. Be gentle with yourself. Rome wasn't built in a day and if you are an Indie publisher then you must believe in yourself and your computer skills to think you can do it, and chances are, YOU CAN!

Anyone who is creative knows, there are ways to help the process and keep the flow happening. One of these ways is to just keep doing it no matter what. 

Many writers set a limit of so many words per day and many visual artists do so many sketches or start so many paintings as well. They do it even if they know what they do is dribble! They know that by doing it, they will get more comfortable with it and in the end, it will all pay off.

They also know that not every day is going to be a great day for producing something good, however how often does a song writer, for instance, go back into the lyrics of some song they had created and find just the right place to use them maybe years down the road? You never know when you are recording your thoughts, just where they will come in handy.

The other aspect of creativity is it doesn't happen in a vacuum. If you don't live, go out and grasp life to the fullest and feel, then what on earth will you have to draw from so the muse can descend? You need experiences, you need a life and you need things to share. Otherwise you are like an empty vessel with nothing to pour out into the world. It is that simple.

I often think of creativity like the moon and tides. Sometimes the pull of the moon is stronger than at other times just as sometimes you are really in a place where you can produce a lot, while if you push through at another time, you know it is not going to be anything but work, however if you wait a few days, it will come and be good, maybe even great, without all the headaches.

It is at these times I have learned to respect my energy and how I feel and find something related that needs to be done like buying groceries or doing laundry or research. Whatever it is, it doesn't mean you have writer's block, it just means you are finding and respecting your own natural rhythm.

When I used to do painting workshops, I did the 3 minute rule. I especially did this when working with oils and a student who already knew how to draw.

I would get them set up with whatever image they wanted to paint (mainly still life), their canvas and easel and paints out on their palette. They would be all ready to settle down with their tiny paint brushes...guess what, no way!

I would put on the timer, hand them 2 inch- plus paint brushes, and turn on the timer. I expected the canvas to be completely covered by the time I came back! At first there would be the typical reaction of NO WAY! In the end though, the timer would go on and I would come back in three minutes and there would have no longer blank canvas.

You know, some of the best paintings I saw were started this way and it can even be applied to writing.

If you are staring at a flashing cursor and blank screen, then give yourself a time limit and set yourself a goal. Perhaps it is to write ten things you need to do before bed or maybe it is something more related to your writing such as a list of names for your new protagonist. Whatever it is, put on that timer and just do it and I am confident, you will find writer's block is a myth created by your own expectations and pressure you have put on yourself.

Remember, not everything you write or paint is going to be a master piece, however even the mistakes are there to make you more confident and familiar with both yourself and what you want to do. If you do it the long way; the hard way or the easy way by learning from other's mistakes, it doesn't matter. There are always plenty more mistakes to learn from. All you need to remember is to do something. That is all that really matters. Keep those scraps of paper and let those failures become useful down the road. They usually do.

If you are anything like me, you sit down to do something and three hours later you get up forgetting your back is killing you and your legs are numb; you are so engrossed in what you are doing, time seems so not relative.

The thing is, you are not simply writing a book. On no, that would be too easy! The 255 page Murder Mystery you wrote (not including intros and all that!) and the two children's books and 2 others you have on the go don't seem to be enough, you need to be a real sucker for punishment and decide to format and illustrate your own books as well! Oh yeh!

Add to this, you aren't satisfied with American English, oh no, you have to do Canadian which is more UK than American but oh yes, there is American in it also! So you write a book BEFORE you decide to go Canadian and guess what, you forgot to change your spell check so no you have to go through every word AGAIN because you are fussy!

Of course there is marketing however that is a whole other kettle of fish left for another day!

So, what is time to an Indie writer? It really doesn't exist. If you enjoy the headaches of software you fine inconsistencies in and glitches, and all the intricacies of the English language which is in itself, enough to make you want to jump off the nearest bridge, you can add to this the fact that there will be soooooo many around you who think because you sit on a computer writing and illustrating, formatting and making ready books, that you are not REALLY busy and have all the time in the world! Once again, this whole business of thinking because you don't have a boss or go out to work, then you aren't really working, and you really do have all the time in the world.

Well Indies, we don't have all the time in the world. We may not have conventional deadlines and they are ones we self impose, however we both know being an Indie publisher is work. No if, buts, ands or maybes! It is just good old fashioned doing it and time gets away from us because there is sooooo much to do! So much to remember and so much to learn.

I have learned recently that if I don't get off this computer at least an hour before bed, I am not going to be able to sleep. My head is still going to be spinning with decisions about what fonts to use, where to find my setting to show preflights in my publishing program or some other thing that is going to need deciding. This is why I have checklists I have made to make sure when I am scanning a book after uploads I check everything because guarantee, somewhere there is going to be a glitch! There is going to be a notice saying a font is missing (that you didn't even use!) or for whatever reason the styles setting that you have used on may chapters suddenly is going to change the indent size for the paragraphs. Oh joy! In the midst of all this, someone is going to basically categorize you as not doing anything, or not really busy!

All I can say to any fellow Indie person is, I UNDERSTAND! You are not alone! What you are doing IS work, and if you are fussy like me, then it is a constant learning curve and the curse of using electronics and software that are forever not keeping up to how fast your brain works. When you think it should just logically do such as click on a text box in the middle of text flow and have the cursor go there so you can start your next chapter in the appropriate place and that sort of thing which doesn't work. You see the guy in the you tube video able to do it, so what the hell!?!?!?!? In the end you learn your best friend is the ability to hit control while opening the program and setting everything back to the defaults. Hey, you loose all your presets but it is better than battling with a glitched up program!

Time?!?!? All the time in the world? When you sit for hours on end to create something, against all odds, you make it happen, THEN the time you are putting into it feels worthwhile, however while your in the midst of the mess knee deep in font choices and book cover ideas, the last thing anyone needs is someone basically treating you like you have all the time in the world.

Hang in there and keep on keeping on. Time flies by so fast in one's life, just get on with it. I am sure you will work it all out in the end and manifest that project; that book or article, or whatever else it is you are trying to create and ignore anyone who tries to minimize what you are doing because we both know what you are doing is HUGE and deserves a great deal of credit!

JK Rowlings got it right when she said, "The discipline involved in finishing a piece of creative works something on which you can truly pride yourself."

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Self-discipline is an interesting thing. What is it exactly? Cambridge Dictionary says discipline is "training that makes people more willing to obey or more able to control themselves, often in the form of rules, and punishment if these rules are broken..."

Well, that doesn't sound to appealing! So how can this apply to working for yourself? And how does this fit in with the whole creative process idea?

We all have a way or operating in the world however sadly, we don't come with a manual like that new fryer oven you just bought. It only comes from getting to know yourself and understanding as you live, you grow and change so what you thought of yourself two years ago may not apply today.

I dislike the word discipline because it implies there is some outside governing force that you must follow. A "thou shalt" sort of rule where it is the only way of doing something or getting somewhere. I don't know about you, however I have found there are many routes to get to the same destination.

I have come to realize to truly succeed and excel at something, there is no amount of self control or method of making yourself do something you truly do not want to do. It is that simple.

People SAY THEY WANT TO DO SOMETHING, BUT THEN MAKE A THOUSAND EXCUSES as to why they cannot do it. I think this is a cop-out. I won't delude myself, if I want wo do something I want to do it, and it may mean making sacrifices and it may mean going on a journey or trying a good many things, however in the end, what is left will lead you to a place where you get up every day and go at it without having a schedule or rules when or where or anything else to get the job done. 

I think JK Rowlings has said it best and given a great piece of advice. She says, "Failure meant stripping away of the inessentials. I stopped pretending to myself I was anything other than what I was, and began to direct all my energy into finishing the only work that mattered to me. Had I really succeeded at anything else, I might never have found the determination to succeed in the one arena I believed I truly belonged."

If you are anything like me, then you can do many things that are artistic. You paint and draw and carve and bead and on and on, however the one thing I have found is there is truth to that old saying , , "Jack of all trades but master of none."

So, after looking at the my past experiences and skills as well as life lessons I have learned about myself, I have found what works for me. 

Personally I don't want to strip so much away that I am not motivated by the variety in what I am doing and I have a need for creative control. That is just me. You need to find out what works for you.

I illustrate, write and produce my own books when I am learning to put into print and so on. I am motivated because I am a project building person. I have don't do well, the whole long haul kind of thing that requires huge amount of doing something over and over and over. Editing is my limit. 

II enjoy the learning curve and the challenges that come with being an Indie publisher of my own books. I have not made up my mind yet about the whole creating an online presence thing yet. I have material and done some reading however I have not created a master marketing plan yet. Partly because I don't have time and partly because I need to be sure I can commit to it. If I have to go make a living and all that, I cannot see myself working all day and coming home to do that. The day will come when I am in a position permanently to do this and then I will look into that more. I have started putting building blocks into place such as this website however I know at this time, I will not make promises I cannot keep.

This is where I am at, and you may find your retired or unemployed and/or simply don't need a job. I would love to be in that position however at this time, I am not. You have figure out how much time and for how long you can commit to the writing process IF that is truly what you want.

Once you do this, I am sure, the concept of self-discipline or routine will naturally form. You have a vision and go about doing whatever it takes to complete it looking at the bigger picture. When you do this, you will find the flexibility you need to motivate and keep yourself on track while at the same time, giving yourself permission to take time away to "compost" or look at other aspects of your writing process.

The bottom line is that whether you need a schedule or not will depend on what sort of person you are. Some people need the ability to be flexible while others need that rigid routine to keep them going however you won't keep going unless you really and truly want to.

Have you ever noticed how people confuse the word "work" with employment? All my life I have "worked" however many times I have been self employed and not employed by someone else. I still had revenue however I have found so many folks judgmental about working and employment.

They just don't get it because they have toiled all their lives to have what they have and often at jobs they do NOT like, so if you do something you love on your own terms and it isn't where you have an employer telling you what to do, I hate to say it,  but there is resentment. Know what I mean?

At the moment I am trying on this new venture. As one book I read says, "Do What You Love, The Money Will Follow". I am writing and illustrating and self-publishing books. I haven't started my last portrait, I will get to it. I decided while I have this little window of time where I don't need to go out and make money big time to pay huge rental fees and all that, that I would take advantage and get at least one children's book into a new proof stage with a new print company who hopefully uses better quality paper.

So every morning I get up, make a cup of tea and get down to it almost immediately. I had my book proofed and ISBN number already so I thought it would be simple trying it with this new printing service called "Blurb".

Boy, was I wrong. Part of it is reformatting the pages and images since the new site doesn't offer the same size books! Oh joy! This means, not only am I re-learning how to use Affinity Publisher again, I have had to figure out where my old images are and then figure out new margins and all that. It means every single image has had to be imputed and resized and keep in mind, if it isn't done correctly, there will be pre-flight errors all over the place! I know!

Then after all that, I decide I don't want the text box under the images. I have had to edit my drawings so they are either dark enough or light enough to show the text without any sort of box underneath. Oh joy! Back to working on each drawing AGAIN.

After this, the text had to be checked once imported to each new page. There are these base lines to help align the text so I thought I could just copy from my old book however when put in place, because the margins are different, each text and sometimes characters have had to be edited to align properly.

So then the cover needs to be edited again and re-sized. Thank god I still had my layered copy from Affinity Photo. I did it but it all didn't happen with a snap of the fingers that is for sure!

Finally, after using my checklist to look over every page to proof it all, I made it into a PDF and it was ready for upload.

I do this new upload with the new printing site and guess what! you got it, more good news!

Besides a few preflights that were just text boxes a little too small and no big deal, it informed me I was five pages too short!

They don't count pages, they could SPREADS which means I have yet more pages to make to the story! OMG!

Then someone comes along just at that moment and asks me how is my search for work going! SERIOUSLY!

I put in a solid 8 hours every day! I may not be bringing in a paycheck at this moment, however who knows, a few of my books may sell down the road however even if they don't, it doesn't mean I am not working!

Even when you are doing something you love, it doesn't mean it isn't work! I spent YEARS developing my skills as a fine artist. Folks say, oh you make it look so easy and of course, then they feel justified in taking advantage. How many times has someone nickeled and dimed me on a commission dickering over the price? They go to Walmart, see a painting, they don't go to checkout and try to get a deal but with a commission they certainly will try. I learned that at a very young age and the faster you are and the better you are at it, the more there are those who think, oh that is a god-given gift, why pay so much?!?!? It may be a god-given gift but it doesn't mean I didn't put the time, expense and sacrifice into it. Even with this writing, I have been reading and working on learning it on every minute I have to spare since 2018. It hasn't come over-night or without hard work!

As a teenager I wasn't out getting into trouble, I was home drawing and learning more skills. In my case it was because I saw what I could do as a means to get off that little point of land I was trapped on and get out and get a life. I made sacrifices to get ahead and I am doing it again since now I have to use up my merger savings to have this time to write.

I was highly motivated to leave and I knew if it was to happen, it would be because of what I was doing, not what was going to be done for me. and it worked. It took a few attempts however I got out and I didn't look back. No regrets there, only gratitude to actually be free of it all.

And now I am house-sitting for cheap and have the use of a car which is wonderful since I have not been able to own a car in years. Not because I couldn't afford one, just because I couldn't afford a decent one. I had so many things go wrong with old cars that I just can't bring myself to own one. I have been ripped off by one too many mechanics and been stranded on the side of the highway once too often. One of my favorite memories is dragging a month old child and puppy in a sled up the highway in northern BC on a beautiful night with Northern Lights in the sky. I was miles from the cabin I was living in alone and had no one I could really call. A nice trucker picked us up and dropped us off! That is a typical example of my life and vehicles! No thanks! If I cannot afford a good one, I don't want any. I want to get a camper van however if it isn't decent and road-worthy and not a head ache, then I don't want it. Hell, my son has been stranded so many times, he is 23 and hasn't got his license yet! He says vehicles are money traps and he isn't interested. Where I come from the first thing a young man wants is a car! Not him or not me! Funny, we were talking the other day about this neat Mini Cooper I am driving and he brought up about the one decent car I ever owned, I had it less than a month and some ding a ling rear-ended me and wrote it off and my replacement had to be crap again. My karma with cars and mechanics has not been good! Now motorcycles on the other hand, I just bought a great one of those and it is lovely and was cheap enough that I could afford it.

I digress, my point is, if you want to write, or do something else from home, don't let anyone tell you what you are doing doesn't count. I had to bite the bullet and put up with the judgements every time I worked for myself with that sort of mentality. It is the same sort of snobbery that says if a book isn't published by a publisher and is self-published then it isn't REALLY a book!

Ignore all of it. It is a free world and you have as much right to do what you want as anyone else. Set your priorities and stick to them and leave all the folks out there who want to put you down, off your friendship or even acquaintance list! You deserve folks who want to support what you do, not under mine you. I have noticed most times these critics are folks who have suffered and want you to do so also. Instead of being happy for you, they want you to be as miserable as they are. These sort of people in my book are as dangerous as cancer. You can live without that sort of nonsense! Do what you do, and remember it IS work and don't allow anyone to tell you otherwise. There are plenty of folks out there who put in their 8 hours, come home and then do NOTHING. I cannot image living this way unless I am completely depressed. Do what you love, you are as worthy as anyone else.

 In sI recently listened to an interview with author Jack Canfield who co-wrote all those books about Chicken Soup for the Soul. He has always been big on visualization and other affirmation techniques. He has also always been big on thinking big however that is a whole other blog.  In this blog we will talk about something he recognizes as being part of what holds writers back.

I was thinking this morning when I woke up what was holding me back and I realized it really wasn't self doubt. I know my limits and I know I have not reached them yet. I also know that what I do is just part of me; it isn't something external...like a bird knowing how to fly south or a fish knowing what place to go spawn, creating for me is as natural as breathing. The thought that I couldn't or shouldn't or that I am not good enough doesn't really occur to me. I don't see this as really being confident, I think it has more to do with a lifetime of dedication to ideals and beliefs that are as basic as my DNA now.

So, I had to think and consider what is holding me back? I suddenly realized it wasn't my doubts about myself, it was my doubts about others. I have had a life-time of thinking positive with very mediocre success; for the most part, since birth, it seems like I have had a more disappointments and folks who have let me down. In saying this though, I do acknowledge those who have been supportive and kind to me on my life's path. Those who have been unkind and corrupt and betrayed  me unfortunately have far outweighed those who have been kind, however the kind, I do not forgot while the ones who have left their evil mark, sadly, I do not forget either which is the problem. 

My son says I have high ideals that I find easy to follow and don't quite understand that those same ideals are not so easy for others to follow. He has always been a wise one, that one. Out of the mouths of babes!

I can recognize this. It hasn't been just about my ideals or the fact I have taken the high road on some pretty despicable things in my past that have happened to me since birth almost. Things that have led to addiction and abuse in so many others. I did my journey of healing and I have always been blessed with fore-sight. I never became addicted to physical substances (other than chocolate!) because I am an observer. I noted at a very young age all these people working so hard to quite something; drinking, smoking; drugs and frankly, I decided I was just too lazy to want to go through this process! It was more work than I wanted to do! Instead I soon realized I had another challenge before me, one far tougher. I remember a palm reader looking at me hand when I was young, then looking at me and then looking at my hand again. Such a dark look came over his face. I knew he saw lines that led to problems. He said something polite and left. He had not said anything but he had given me a warning. After it was all said and done, I knew what he had seen...something I hope he never saw in anyone else's hand. Total and complete disaster and betrayal.

It doesn't matter what it was or the healing journey I had to undertake. It is in the past and once was enough thanks to re-live it all. What I can say, is that even though I have always had a great love of humanity, at this time, I see great darkness ahead. It has settled in and I can feel it in my bones. This means my doubts are not about myself however instead, others; their honesty, their trustworthiness, their consistency and so on. 

In relation to my work, there is part of me who has lost heart; who cannot see the goodness in others I once saw. Too many disappointments and just sooo much life has happened now with me, I find it more a struggle because I doubt the integrity of others or their kindness. So many times I find myself saying, "what's the point?".

I don't think I am alone in this feeling especially in these times with corruption, data collection, technology and all the other nonsense coming down the pipes. We are in very dark times and there is no way around it. The world is changing...not just a few people. This pandemic has touched everyone and with it, it has stirred up and started the ball rolling on a good many very corrupt and negative things such as what is happening with out media; our news or freedoms we are loosing because we have to prove we have had our vaccines...and these vaccines, where do they end? It isn't like the days of old when there was integrity. The idol on the pedestal these days is the ungodly dollar.

Someone once said it isn't money itself that is the issue, it is the love of money that is. I can see this. It is what rules the world now. So many have far too much while so many others have not enough. The imbalances in the world right now are so extreme and getting worse.

In the Tarot Cards, we are heading for "the Tower". The world is on one path, and it needs to be put on another and since no one is going easily to this new path, The Tower is there to cause disruption and chaos - to shake things up so much, there is no choice but choose another path. That is where we are heading, however we are not there yet. We are in the place Black Elk talked about: the shaggy dog (mother earth) is shaking the fleas off her back! It is, I fear only the beginning.

I am not an aggressive person. I am not one to toot my own horn. I love to think, to write, to explore and to create, however like so many other writers out there, I am not an extrovert these days. When I was young, I was the life of the party. I have been told a room brightened up when I walked in. These days, I don't even want to go into the room! So like the wonderful "Avatar" movie, I have my doubts anyone will really "see me" and like Oprah says, what people really want is validation. Personally, I have my doubts this will ever come my way. I have my doubts anyone will ever really see me. 

Know what I mean? These days it seems like the "beautiful ones" are the ones being seen. What is valued above all else has moved as much to the material as everything other aspect of things through our media and all the other ways folks are having their perceptions manipulated. So doubts? Oh I have my doubts, but they are not all about me.

So how do I combat this doubt and yes, despair? I think the same way I have most of my life; by creating, by leaving the outside world out of my creative process. By accepting it is about the quality of life one has and NOT the amount in my bank account. In these crazy times, as I taught my son, true security comes from one's believe in him or herself and how resourceful they can be. If the boat is sinking, make sure you can swim and grab onto whatever is floating by.

I cannot change the values that are happening in this world today. I can not make the entire world a better place; only the little spot around me. One thing that did come out of this interview I listened to with this Jack Canfield. He mentioned how one book can change so many lives; perhaps thousands.

I am writing my books with a purpose, an intent. I am not going into that here now, however it is one of my motivators that helps me to over-come my doubts in both myself and others. Like so many times I have done things in my life that were not the easy road, I am not going to stop following my ideals, I am not going to change who I am for a buck or to pursue something I don't need. I would be quite happy in a nice camper van where I can live and be the gypsy I am; reading my tarot cards and writing. In my old age, I think this is what I may work towards. To finally own my own home, even if it is on wheels, now that would be something.

Find your reason for doing what you are doing. You don't need to share it with others. Your intent doesn't need to be open for discussion. Do what you do and let that intent, that inner calling and longing and need shine brighter than your self doubt or doubt in others. Let that be what guides you and inspires you to go on when there seems no point. A nurse once gave me a book on Carl Jung...in it she wrote, "Faith is the bird that sings when the dawn is still dark." 

I don't think it is faith or trust or any of these now "loaded" words. It is more primitive and basic than that. It is something in all of us and why we must suffer the toils of purifying our souls (unlike animals whose souls are always pure). It is the intrinsic, universal instinct to express, to share so that we can be. Perhaps it is part of those validation needs however those first cave men who painted those cave paintings all those centuries ago were hearing this call; this instinct. Now it is time that we remembered this also and leave the doubts at the cave entrance door.

 Have you ever heard of a writer who only seemed to have one master piece in him or one Olympic athlete who only ever won one championship or one gold medal no matter how hard he or she tried?

I have come to think of expectations as not much different than that one skater who took a crowbar to another skater's kneecaps! I can't think of anything more crippling than both expectations and preciousness which to me, are NOT the same thing!

I talked in another blog about those "golden paintings" that only come by once in a while and when they do, they come so effortlessly or so it seems. A big problem with these sort of peak achievements is that a person can forget they come along only after an accumulation of many other average paintings and tons of experiences; that appearance as a "good" piece of work whether it is writing, painting, etc wasn't something that just "happened".

This is especially true when you are just getting into something and you don't understand or have the correct attitude about these "goldens". You are liable to fall into the expectation trap! A trap, that I think happens for a two fold reason...

On the one hand, you think, I did it so easily, it should now be easy to do it again. The other reason is because it was so good, that the "golden" becomes "precious".

Preciousness can be as debilitating as expectations because both put you in a stand still position.

If it is expectations, you cannot move forward because you have wrapped yourself in this rope of thoughts about  what you SHOULD be able to do .

Preciousness means you cannot move forward because given so much power to what you have already successfully achieved that you get stuck wondering if you can do again what you have already done.

One keeps you clinging to past accomplishments and the other keeps you stuck in fear of failing to live up to what you want to do again so cannot move forward. Either way, you get stuck.

I can honestly say I have never had writer's block. I have attended a few workshops and that is the first thing they start out with. I have never had writer's block because I have never had the EXPECTATION of having it and I am not about to start now. I will write in more detail about this later on.

For now, just remember to accept the praise, say thank you, and move on. Sure, FEEL and be pleased about your accomplishment HOWEVER THAT IS AS FAR AS IT NEED GO. Keep your ego out of it! Accept with humility that yes, it was good, and leave the expectation of something else being as good behind.

Keep yourself off that pedestal! Keep you feet on the ground and don't get stuck with your head caught up in your past achievements. They will bind you every time.

I have learned to NEVER say (unless I know it is for publicity purposes only), that I have done this for so many years. It is a trap to think this way. You start to think you have the key to success or whatever it is you are aiming for, and in doing that, you  block yourself in so you can't go forward and find more avenues to explore. A smart artist knows the value of humility and even though they may be confident, that does not mean they are arrogant to the point where there is nothing left for them to learn or grow from.

This is a famous painting by American realist painter Andrew N Wyeth called Christina's World. I remember taking a workshop in Nova Scotia with artist Jeannie Hancock. One particular week it was on watercolour painting. I will never forget her words. Folks were all doing these very detailed watercolours that she would say, something like, "ok, that's good, now destroy it!" She explained how this artist Andrew Wyeth would paint such detailed work but at the same time do some extraordinary things to destroy his work in the process of making it such as dragging it behind a moving car! I don't know if this was true, however I expect she was correct. She was the first teacher to introduce me to the trap of preciousness.

By preciousness, I am not confusing it with respect. One can respect their work without putting up into that category of preciousness.

So if you feel like that blank canvas is staring back at you; blocking you or that blank screen or paper is just so white, then just let go of it being precious. The journey is about the mistakes; NOT the accomplishments in this game called inspiration and creativity.

I have read and heard many ideas on what inspiration is.  For me, it is like trying to grasp the wind! How on earth can you put something into such mudane earthly terms that will actually explain it?!?!?

I do believe it is a good follow-up to that "perking" aspect of the creative process. I do think that all is flying around somewhere in the sphere of this global thing we call intellect, as well as this universal thing we call collective unconscisious!

I have reached a place now, that if I don't want something thought of before me, I don't put it out there at all! How many times have you thought of a great idea, only to hear about it a day or two later somewhere!

By this,I do not mean those who like to steal creative ideas! That is a very different thing! Here is a little story that taught me a great deal and why I am now much more appreciative of my creativity!

I used to live in a little town in NS where every day I would walk out of the post office and look over at a blank brick wall, that to me, was crying for a mural!
It turned out it was the centennial anniversary of this little university town and one of the profs (a female) listened to my ideas and gathered together a bunch of other profs (all older males) to walk through town looking at the walls I suggested would be ripe for murals including this one by the post office.

In the meantime upon doing some research, I had met and become friends with an older man who used to do murals in another part of the country and had retired to this area I was now living.

It was difficult having the sort of comments I had to endure from these older profs such as, "how can a little thing like you paint a big wall like that!?!?", however I ran into another problem I didn't realize until it was all said and done.

I had idea about how this larger wall would be which I shared with the man that was in the same building as me as well as the man who used to do murals. I asked his advice on pricing as well...so see where this is heading?!?!?

You got it! That so called re-tired asshole under bid me on the mural commissions not telling me he was even thinking of going for the job!

Later, I asked my friend who lived in my building what I thought of the man's mural, his reply was, "you mean your mural, haven't you looked at it? It is all your ideas!!!".

When I did look, I realized he was absolutely correct! The irony was, just like with his normal paintings, he, in his arrogance and ignorance, did not bother to learn what were, as my Master's instructor taught me,fugitive or not. He mixed oils and water based paints and enamels, etc which meant any painting anyone bought in a few years would fall off the canvas! He also did not size and prepare the wall properly and it was all gone withing five years...ALL of them!

The point of this story is that techniques and styles and draftsmanship can be learned. ANYONE can pick up a pencil and learn how to see and draw it! (unless there is some physiological reason such as brain damage!), however creativity is another matter as is inspiration!

I learned a long time ago when I was very young this fact and I worked to develop my creative side as much as any skill-sets I have ever learned. The thing is, if they go hand and hand, and you really immerse yourself into even the skills side, EVENTUALLY the creative side will flourish and with it the inspiration will come.

Inspiration does not come with a closed mind or a fixed one. If you cannot be flexible in your thinking and seeing, then learning to think outside the box or to hear when the muses come knocking shall be impossible.

Ask any song writer, singer, painter or writer, and all will tell you, they put it out there, they delved into the murky waters of what they were looking for and sooner or later something manifest.

I have painted all my life and I, like so many, recognize when we have a "golden" painting. When that one painting just all falls into place. It isn't necessarily labored over or corrected over and over, it just seems to fall into place as if by magic. 

This is what I am talking about when I say, you have to get into it! Dabbling here and there every three years is not going to cut it! It is also why I didn't write much while I was working this past year! It takes me so long to get into the right mindset, and then even longer to get "into it". It isn't a facet I can turn on and off...not really. Oh, I can do it however I know I will not progress at all!

Having said that though, I would like to note that look at any painter or other type of artist who has been COMPLETELY away from a medium for a year or so, sometimes longer...then see what happens! Nine times out of ten, they have not regressed, but progressed! I think this is just another example of that "perking" phase I was talking about!

Funny though, I find this with creative things; as we mature, so does our work, if we are aiming for that, however when it comes to me technical and cerebral thinking, it doesn't seem to follow. For instance, I am going to have to format my next novel to get another proof since I changed it from past tense to present, and I don't mind saying, I do NOT look forward to it! That is a different kettle of fish altogether. I am going to have to learn that publishing program all over again. I kept notes in these earlier blogs however on what NOT to do so going back and reading will help refresh my mind.

When it comes to your creative ideas, you don't need to share them...I learned that the hard way. Sure, you can share some things, but the ideas most inspired, keep them to yourself for a while and let them perk, then manifest them in whatever way you like, but just be aware, there are many very good "technical" people out there calling themselves artist who live off of other people's creative output. I for one, have had enough of that sort of thief to do me six life-times!

Remember inspiration comes from daily life. You don't need to stand on your head or become a recluse, you just have to live and FEEL, then you will find the inspiration you seek and always it will be connected to what you want to share, what is closest to your heart and what is unique to you!

Once the research has been done and the animals set up in a satisfying background, it is time to prepare. Folks sometimes underestimate this process however it is a very important part of doing the painting.

I have had a number of art instructors over the years from the time I was about 9 years old since it was recognized I could draw when I was four, and yes, I do remember EXACTLY what it was I had drawn and why!

One of these amazing artist instructors was someone I spent two weeks in the summer with...a bunch of ladies and I would rent a cabin and we then would go to the Green Lantern hall and do pastels after watching demonstrations from out instructor, Mr. Charles Couper; an amazing and dedicated man who came from a long line of painters instructed by the likes of Charles Hawthorne following the colour  lineage of Robert Henri and John Singer Sargent back to the impressionist. Following this demonstration, we would work from white plaster casts in both direct sunlight and/or indoor lighting. Some days we would go out on location and do plein-air paintings of local scenes.

One thing this master colourist always emphasized was that the act of preparing the canvas and setting up was as important as the actual work you subsequently did! I likened it to be much the same idea as setting yourself up to meditate, also a very important part of the process.

On the way to the workshop my older friend and I would discuss what colours we could distinguish as we drove down to Bear River, and were always astonished at how much more we could distinguish and see on the way back! There is something to be said about working from plaster or other white casts...you really do start to develop the rods and cones in your eyes! Indeed, in my drawing instruction classes I often use still life over a photo...so much faster way to develop one's ability to see and translate this to a mark on paper!

I was only 16 years old the first time I went and he made me promise never to become a German Expressionist! I had NO fear of colour that is for sure!!! Such fun! I was half the age of everyone else and I would wack something on the canvas and go off visiting everyone else; a true social butterfly but hey, I so impressed one lovely woman who was the Chancellor of the University of Illinois (Alice) that when she left she gave me a card with $200. 00 in it and a promise me I would go to art school!...I kept that promise!

I again digress! Such is me! With the upcoming painting, I have to decide on the paper and what kind of tooth it has; with soft pastel depending on how many layers you put on it, will also effect how much pastel the paper can hold...needless to say, more tooth, more open spaces in the grain to fill up and the more it will hold...a smoother paper has to be used with a much different handling!

The paper also comes in various colours. I usually prefer a Canson gray however I could not get that in the city I moved to so I settled on another type with a different sort of speckled look. It shall be fun to use! Of course, both are acid free!!! I would have it no other way!

As for my pastels, I am very fortunate to have an antique box of Grumbachers Artist quality soft pastels as well as supplemented with a box of about 50 Rembrandt Artist quality pastels. Over the years, these companies have changed hands a number of times and each time the colour saturation content has changed so that what one thought of as a Rembrandt burnt sienna can now look more like raw sienna!  Nine times out of ten, the way the pigment in the grounded power is saturated has changed since the better the actual raw colour is, with as little filler and gum binder as possible is far more expensive to make and far better to use! If you have ever used a soft pastel that actually scratches on the paper, well, that speaks volumes to the quality and where the pigment came from! My old pastels are far superior and would cost thousands now to replace of the same quality! Newer ones, like so many things, have not been watered down, however mine are not in the least bit waxy or scratchy! I must say I am spoiled! These sort of pigments do not fad in direct sunlight!

I have had my works on display in gallery windows for very long periods of time...the mat may fade, but not the pastel...it is sort of why I find non glare glass that looks so foggy and takes so much away from the painting, is such a useless drag (unless it is a really expensive archival type which seldom is found or used by folks!!!).

This reminds me, I must also consider what key I am going to do the painting in! By this I mean am I going to make it a tiny bit lighter in value to allow for a fixative spray or not! Mr.Coupar was a purist and knew so much about the chemical composition of so many things and he would NEVER use a fixative. He felt it was an impurity that would shorten the lifespan of the pastel painting and of course, he is likely right, however, pastel paintings have two enemies; vibration and dampness. Dampness if happens when behind glass, means the roof leaked or the bath above over flowed or a pipe burst. Not something one has much control over however vibration is another story. A fixative will keep the pastel on the paper so that if there is major upheaval such as major vibration on the back of a bumpy truck or horseback (although I can't see when that is likely to happen, but I suppose, paintings have been dropped before!!!) it will keep the painting intact. My work is always of archival quality and I do use a good fixative (if I use one at all!) although in a pinch, a cheap air spray will do the trick! In both cases however, you have to lighten the painting a little to allow for the spraying. The painting I am doing shall likely get man handled in shipping so yup, I will keep this in mind when spraying it!

Besides your normal things like an easel and table to put the pastels on, there is also the light source to consider. I have learned over the years, if I am working from natural light, then that is all I should be working from! If I am working from artificial light then I want a daylight bulb and will use only that!
This also means that the time you work from your outside natural light cannot vary either! If it is certain times of the day, then work only at that time! And be aware, if you are working with tinted glasses, it will change things!!!

So, the easel is set up, the pastels and table are arranged, the sit (IF you are sitting!) is in place as is the light source, so what else?

The pastel paper needs to be placed on a board. There are many way to make a board, but there is a few things that have to stay the same such as the board has to be big enough to accommodate a full sheet of paper, and it MUST be a flat surface; this means nothing that can come through onto the painting...just think of a rubbing...you don't want that! I used to use a canvas board with a sheet of velour paper on it for years. I liked the softness of it. I didn't have that this time so I used what I can find, a piece of wood panel with layer after layer of newsprint tapped into place. I like my paper to have little spring to it!

The first and last consideration is the space you are working in. I am house sitting for a friend so I certainly cannot make a mess of her place! So I have sheets and a plastic table cloth on the floor to protect things. It isn't as bad as paint, however better safe than sorry!

And lastly, health hazard of breathing in pastel dust is a reality! Mr Coupar gave up pastels for this reason but he was already, I believe in his late 60s or early 70s and he lived to be well into his late nineties so even though it is a consideration, and I do wear nose filters when I have larger dusty areas to do, I do not think for a moment is is as bad as carving soap stone of bone or antler! I talked to him just before he passed and he was as sharp as ever however I never got to go take that last run up to see him which I shall always regret...my stupid old clunker of a car had died and I couldn't afford another.

Charles Couper was a dedicated and disciplined artist who did not win the favour of the limited political morons who were running the provincial art gallery in NS. Too bad, their loss! He took his ability to see colour to the extreme almost to the point of abstraction and even though I did a major in studio specializing in painting and sculpture at a prominent art college, nothing compared to the training and foundation he gave me!